Monday, I felt a tingling in my throat. I left work with my
“work” in tow, as I was going to push through and try to complete some
projects. I felt horrible as I drove home with my throat and nose on fire and
my eyes watering. It was the end of the summer, and here I was dealing with a
cold? Ewwww. Not something I was happy about.
I did what I had planned. I got in my bed, put my laptop on
my lap, and went to work after 2 tablespoons of Dayquil and an hour nap. I only
felt worse as a pounding headache added itself to my list of symptoms. By the
end of my workday, I had no energy and all I wanted to do was sleep.
Tuesday, still sick and feeling much worse. Wednesday, the
same. All the while I’m worrying about when I’m going back to work and when I’m
going to feel better so that I can resume my busy life. This mental rush-rush
lasted for a little while, until I realized that as bad as I felt, this cold
(virus) will just have to run its course, and that was a better deal than continuing
to live my life as I was. This “running its course” gave me an opportunity to
finally sit still and re-evaluate my life.
Here I was more concerned about my job than my health. Here
I was about to cram two days of GRE study time and classes into a single, sick
afternoon because I had missed the first class due to my illness, and felt that
I would miss a second. (As if my MBA is just not good enough right now, and an
MFA in creative writing is oh so necessary…right now.) Here I was realizing
that writing, my outlet and first love, had taken a backseat to “life” because
everything else ate up my time. I allowed it. This cold that was taking its
merry little time to leave my system helped me realize that I was not focused
on the right things and I could, just like it, take my time and do what I
needed to do.
It started with a chat with my beau. I swear God spoke
through him to me, and it was made evident that I come first. Not in any
selfish kind of way, but in that way that a mother must first place her oxygen
mask on first before securing her baby’s. It was about self-preservation for
the purpose of being a service to others.
I decided to concentrate on rest and hydration, making
myself as comfortable as possible while I’m dealing with the temporary illness.
I, then, decided to cancel the GRE classes for now. I have enough degrees in
this moment. The idea of going back to school and the preparation and energy
that is needed is daunting. This is not the time for daunting, energy-sucking
activity. This is a time for restoration, which lead me to my next decision. It
was time to make an appointment to “talk” about grief. I often wonder why I’m
not crawled up in a ball somewhere depressed and crying for my big sis. I have
my moments, trust. But it’s time to be proactive and use the tools available to
me. So I made the appointment and now feel that I’m on the road to coping
better.
I was also able to refocus on relaxation, writing, and creativity-
the fun stuff. The things that make my life shimmer.
There’s a blessing in having been knocked down by a cold, or
anything forceful enough to stop you in your tracks. I’m just thankful I
realized what it was and was able to change my life for the better. Little, yet
important steps were taken. Things look brighter and really do feel lighter.
Welcoming a new season J
Love,
~Sam
:-)
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