Thursday, July 22, 2010

I Say No First; Then Yes

I couldn't figure out what to write about until I just finished texting a friend of mine saying I couldn't hang because this is my working weekend. He's here from out of town. We used to hang; he looked out for me in school. He is a person I'll always be cool with. But on his visit to the DMV, I'm busy.

I do that a lot. I will restrict myself from activities and spending time with friends on the weekend so I can work, which most of the time is writing, studying for the next position, or preparing for a job interview. I'm doing all three this weekend.

So I won't see the girls, not even the family in my house for that matter because "work" is super important. It is!! However, in going back and forth with my friend about his schedule and mine, he gave me so many options to come through and say hi. Why? 'Cause we're fam! That's why. And with those options, I thought to myself, "Ms. Luck, you will not be working from sun up to sun down. There will be no burnout...on a weekend."

All that to say, when I do reach 30, I don't want to look back and be glad for all my accomplishments but be sad that there was more fun that could've, should've been had. While I'm an advocate for sacrificing free time, dating, fun for what you want in life, I am realizing that I can go overboard with it- just zone everything and everyone out. My closest friends are all too familiar with my "Cave of Seclusion." I just won't go in there as much...that's the best I can do. :-)

But I'm really, consciously working on balancing work, play, family, love, and whatever else.

My passion and goals will always be before me blaring in flashing lights, but while I'm working on getting things done, I can't forget about my family, friends, and fun!!!

So I guess that means I'm going out Saturday night- Heyyyyyyyyy!!!!


Thursday, July 15, 2010

And the Point of It All...

Three Years to 30 exists because I literally have less than three years until I'm 30 years old. If I find the right person by that age, I do want to settle down. What young, talented, successful, single lady doesn't? However, now is NOT the time. I'm not published, I'm making decent money-I'd like to make more, I want these student loans gone...etc., etc., etc.

One of my bffs hates when I do that- run down my list of why I'm not ready and then she'll give an example of an old flame and say, "Huh, you lie, Black Gurl! Cuz if dude had asked, you would've been on it!" Hee Hee! She's right, but he didn't...and thennnnnnn I realized it was for the best.

At this point, I haven't explored enough, that includes travel, education, learning men and what I can live with and can't live with, and I haven't achieved enough of my personal goals- spiritually, emotionally, yes, psychologically (can't negate your mental health. Doesn't matter who you are.), or financially.

I still kick myself in the behind for paying more attention to boys than studying for my SATs and getting the BEST grades in high school, which made me ineligible for a full scholarship and left me with crazy student loans- mail and harassing phone calls. These days I have the loan people in my good graces since I pay them and consistently. But I emphasize, I want the loans gone or close to gone before I consider combining finances, credit scores, and mortgage payments with an M.A.N. If I want him to have his stuff together, I have to have mine together too. I can be hypocritical at times, but not in this case.

Anywho my thing is I don't want to settle and resent my partner because I, yes I, put my dreams aside for us. Sacrifice is all well and good, but I don't have to do that now. Glad about it.

What I can do now is continue to make my goals priority and make sure dating stays in its rightful place, located just below Jesus and Sammi's Personal Success.
With that said, this blog serves as a platform to express my feelings, share information, and provide commentary on my life pre-30. The adventures up to 27 have been amazing, fun, triumphant, sad, difficult, and more, but I'm alive, thriving, and I plan to make the most of my 20s. I'll deal with the 30s when I get there. Hopefully I'll have no regrets going in b/c I rode these next three years til the wheels fell off, rolled down the street, and out of my sight...


Thursday, July 8, 2010

I Must Relinquish Control

I put it out there. Wrote my first novel...I love it! Family (only) has read it. Of course they love it!! *Of Course* I wrote the infamous query letter for publishers, sent the letter and a summary to one (I know, not enough). Then I reached out to two literary agencies, and will send query letters to one a week from now on until I get what I want, which is a literary agent.

Next, I applied to fifty thousand trillion jobs (very specific, special jobs) and have not YET gotten the response I want. But I keep pushing. That student loan repayment program is calling my name like, "Ms. Samantha Luck, we will make those loans disappear." And I'm like, "Ohhhhh yeahhhhhh! I love you!! Sallie Mae, eat your heart out!!"

Then among other things, I took my heart out of my chest and said "Hey Guy, this how I feel. I'm all vulnerable and stuff, but only for you, Boo!!" LOL @ myself! Ummmmm yeah, then things got quiet...*crickets crickets crickets* So I grabbed ahold of my heart, put it back in my chest like, "Okay, fine..." I was not fine, but you pat yourself on the back for being brave and keep going.

So here I am, doing, applying, giving, loving, waiting, tending to emotional bruises and ego busters...and in the midst of it all, I'm uneasy about the fact that I cannot control everything. While I would like everything to go my way and expeditiously I might add, I know that A. that is not possible and B. there's a bigger and better plan out there. My job is to be faithful and be the best Sam I can be every single day.

I also noticed that while I was scrambling trying to make my goals happen, I realized that I hadn't been grateful for the blessings that are occurring right in front of me. To name a few, I'm freelancing like I always wanted, I'm working on my second novel, making connections everywhere I seem to go, I'm back to loving blogging, I'm enjoying upward mobility and expansion at my current job, and LOVE? well, the love like I want has really yet to be given to me. I'm not in a rush especially since I admittedly have a habit of pushing aside my dreams and goals for it. Eeeeewww! Not very cool of me and soooo accidental. When it's right, it's right...Apparently now is not the time. Cool!!

So in this time of self-reflection, I came to the conclusion that if I am going to put myself out there (already did), I must MUST MUST MUST relinquish control. It is freeing, faithful, and very necessary for my sanity. #imjustsaying