Part of the Process is Me Letting It Out This Way...

Totally missing my sister today...

I'd thought I'd post what I read at her funeral service just over a month ago. It's the realest thing I've ever written.

"I wanted to sit and just observe but Michel would've thought that was odd. So here I am...

God blessed me with an amazing big sister. Ever since I can remember, I'd admired her; the way she walked, how she talked, how people were so attracted to her. I studied her as a child. Whatever charm she possessed, that inner happiness that she carried that made people want to be around her and to do things for her, I knew I'd be able to pick it up and make it my own. And I have, but I never forgot where it came from, and like her, I'd never take advantage. She was graceful and polite. People recognized her light and it made them happy to feed that- strangers, family, friends, the staff at the Dunkin Donuts and Bojangles. People know good when they see it...

If I could compare us to colors, my sister was a fire red, very hot and spicy. I started out baby pink, soft and sheltered, but as I spent time with her, and inherited some of her style, mannerisms, established a better connection with her, she added her red to my pink, and made me fuchsia- my favorite color of the rainbow. She was a teacher, a mentor, an enhancer...

I can't say enough about how wonderful Michel was, or how much we shared. If I tried, we'd be here forever. But I can say she was my cheer leader, my protector, my supporter, one of my best friends. She made any story funny, she made shopping and eating a sensual experience, and her zest for life and adventure pulled me out of my cave of artistic isolation and reminded me to live outside of my head.

I'm blessed to have had a second mother as a child, and a fun-loving, girl-talking, advice-giving best girlfriend that I called sister as an adult.

Michel and I grew up differently but our lives were so in sync it was uncanny. Our personalities are similar in moments when I least expect it- ranging from moments of giving out necessary verbal thrashings to just sitting in the sun and absorbing chi energy. She was human, but most of all she was love. She will forever be my sister."

~Sammi

Finding My Joy

So for all who know me, you know that in the past three months I’ve experienced many losses, Grandparents and sister. I thought that the initial loss was tough… Nope it’s the after effects that are really rough, the things you have to get in order that others just don’t understand, the strong person you have to be because your family needs that, the getting up to go to work when you want to just…not, the elevated intense pain and empathy you feel when another loved one is going through a hard time.

I’ve celebrated a book release, I even had a party (that I’d wished my sister was there to attend- she happened to be number one on my guest list when I was planning it, unbeknownst of what was to come), I’ve hung out, I’ve dated, I’ve had a ball, but in between all of that, I’ve been grieving, sometimes silently, other times not so silently, but always privately.

What I know is that it’s necessary to balance. Joy has to be found somewhere, somehow.

• Soooooo I put a hold on writing book number #2, which was going to be way more serious and quite darker than the first. I’ve started on book #3, lighter, more fun. I need that right now. 
• I’m wearing my hair curly, in it’s natural state. I forgot how pretty it is, and perfect for the warmer weather coming soon. 
• Yesterday, I bought a bright aqua blue, long sundress. It reminds me relaxing times, the sun, cool breezes and iced fruit smoothies…

Annnnnnnd I’m going to L.A….for a visit- for starters ;-)

The End :-)

Love,

Sammi

What’s your joy? What makes you feel great?

Last Night I was Mad...

I think those are the times I write my best. Book #2 coming soon :-)

This is New

This was weird. Never in my life did I think I'd sit and watch the movie Video Girl that keeps playing over and over again on BET. Judging by the title, I thought it to be lame, stereotypical, low low low budget and unrelateable (side note: Why isn't unrelateable a word? I think it should be.) Anywho, this weekend I decided too much going out just can't happen. I've yet to really settle into the fact that this is now my life...I'm minus a physically present sister...

So watching this movie, and the main character Lorie, played by Meagan Good, loses her sister played by her real sister, to gun violence. Of course I boo-hooed. This was her older, super pretty, fly, majorly encouraging sister who pushed Lorie to pursue her dreams. Who does that sound like? Of course, my big sis.

Lorie's character would dream about her sister and talk to her. I thought that was cool. I've only had nightmares where I was in a mess and my sister couldn't save me. That sucks.

What I liked about this movie, though, was that no matter what Lorie got herself into, her sister would always be there and her sister could always see her and advise her in the spiritual form. That's how I have to think of my sister.

I'm making major plans for the near future actually and I've only run them past God and Michel. She's egging me on, I can tell. I promised I'd bring her with me every step of the way.

Sisters are treasures and that bond is like no other. Hug and love your siblings because you just never know.

Who would've ever thought I'd be writing this in my Three Years to 30 Blog?! Never in a million years. But a lot has occurred in the 2 years that I've been writing this so far. Life...full of surprises and I'm learning to "Be Like Water."

Love,

Sammi